"Backyard Squirrels Everywhere - Unite!"... An Editorial by Simon P. Squirrel

"Backyard Squirrels Everywhere - Unite!"
By Simon P. Squirrel
Editorial Page of the Sunflower Times, Northeast Edition

Fellow members of the Gray Squirrel Union "Sciurus carolinensis" - Local 589... it is time to unite against the shabby treatment of gray squirrels everywhere! I, for one, am mad as heck and I'm not going to take it any longer. These humans must be stopped, before irreparable harm is done to our dignity and, dare I say, to life as we know it.

Whereof do I speak? I refer, of course, to the ever-increasing array of clever devices and twisted bird feeder designs, meant to keep us from enjoying the bounty that humans spread before all winged creatures, great and small. It's all about the birds. You know what I mean. Those humans will go to any means to get close to the birds, evidently finding birds so fascinating that they'll go for "bird walks" in frigid weather, just to spot a white-breasted, pigeon-toed dune runner. Binoculars and field guides line the windowsill, in readiness for identification of some rare backyard bird.

And what have birds got, that we haven't? Basically, they're all bones and feathers, with a little color and a few markings. OK, I can see that cardinals might elicit rapt attention, but crows? Really! And what about warm and fuzzy? These humans display affection for all sorts of 4-legged critters, including that scourge of squirrels everywhere... dogs. I'm led to understand that some members of the Rodentia family have even found favor and are actually kept as pets. Hamsters, chinchillas, gerbils, rabbits, mice and rats (ugh!) enjoy the warmth and protection of hearth and home, while we are left to fend for ourselves.

It seems patently unfair that we, with all we have to offer, are spurned - nay, abhorred by the majority of humans. They regale the old friends and neighbors with accounts of our persistence, with a grudging nod to our innate cleverness. Flipped off by motorized perches, weighted seed port openings slamming shut in our faces, baffles atop the feeders, baffles below the feeders, greased poles and short lengths of PVC pipe (they spin in different directions, unceremoniously dumping us off) encasing the wire that supports a feeder. Every year, we see new, more devious attempts by humans to keep us from their precious bird food.

It's obvious to me, that we are not held in high esteem... anywhere from a pesky nuisance, to be endured, to public enemy, number one. Gales of laughter greet our valiant attempts at breaching backyard feeder security, which quickly turn to groans when we succeed. Oh sure, a few kind souls provide "special treats" for squirrels - usually that jaw-breaking corn-on-a-cob. The worst? When they hang that dried corn on a 4-armed whirly-gig. And oh, how they laugh as we try to salvage a meal, along with our dignity. Face it. They're turning us into a bunch of clowning acrobats.

In my next column, I'll issue a call to arms for self-respecting gray squirrels, everywhere. We'll delve into the specifics of successful raids, how to spot the most lucrative backyards and the

best ways to evade those murderous backyard hounds. Meanwhile, do what you must to survive... do as I say, as well as what I do. The above photo shows what I think of wire-sided peanut dispensers. Without a beak, it's pretty hard to extract the tasty treats - but I manage, by bending the wires with my incisors. Until next time... Simon P. Squirrel (and yes, the "P" stands for "Persistent")

Photos: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

©2008 Deb Lambert