OUTWITTING HUMANS

"Outwitting Humans"
A thoughtful treatise, by a seasoned general,
on the survival of squirrels in the new millennium...

[Excerpted from his speech of Friday, February 15, 2008
presented to The Gray Squirrel Union "Sciurus caroliniensis"
Local 589... refer to Simon's January 23rd editorial
for more in-depth views.]

(Reprint of an article that first appeared in the
Saturday edition of the Sunflower Times)
By General Simon P. Squirrel

Good afternoon troops... Simon P. Squirrel, here. As you may have heard, I have recently been elevated from the rank of Brigadier General, to Major General. Thank you, thank you! After years of research, launching specialized attacks and gaining many victories over humans, I am pleased to receive this promotion.

Those of you who have engaged in constant foraging forays, are well aware of the dangers and perils of surviving, let alone thriving, in the wilds of New England suburbia. And those of you, who have been serving by my side, in the forefront of this prolonged war against the wily human, are to be congratulated. The skirmishes and battles won, thus far, are all part of a larger plan, as we strive toward the honorable and victorious conclusion of this war. And make no mistake - war it is!

In my January 23rd editorial, I introduced you to the newest backyard gadget - a "Squirrel Feeder." This diabolical device tantalizes the senses with dangling ears of dried corn, suspended on four rotating arms. Well-meaning humans, desirous of offering us food, have begun mounting these contraptions from posts, trees and garden sheds. I concede that perhaps only the more cruel among them, have ulterior motives... wearing us down, making us waste precious energy in the pursuit of this jaw-breaking food.

But, surely, we have all seen the human in its snug nest, viewing our perseverance and frustration from its clear portals - drawing its lips back in derisive laughter at our very misery, under the pretense of generosity. We poke, prod and tear at the corn, trying to pry loose the kernels, while dangling by our toes. The ignominy and inhumanity of it all! Last Friday, at approximately 1400 hours, this all ended.

Accompanied by an infantry battalion and our best civil engineers, we breached the wildlife sanctuary perimeter and began the assault, in earnest. After more fruitless attempts to easily gain food from the medieval, corn-holding instrument of torture, success was snatched from the jaws of defeat. After much observation, many calculations and a "working lunch," our engineers had come up with a solution. My best troops reconnoitered at the "Squirrel Feeder" and under the guidance of the engineers, were able to liberate the corn cobs, in their entirety, running them back to the waiting rear troops.

Just as the cheers from the battalion echoed around the basin of Lily Pond at our singular victory, the final calculus that led to that success will forever ring in our ears. It is a phrase that you should carry with you, henceforth, as we continue to push the limits and keep the human at bay. The next time you encounter a four-armed feeder, do not attempt to slip off the ear of corn, as it is fastened by something called a 'screw.'

"Left-Loosey-Righty-Tighty" is our new battle cry!


Editor's Note: Although Major General Simon P. Squirrel has undertaken the writing of his memoirs, with the working title, "Outwitting Humans," he remains on active duty and was spotted mustering his troops, earlier today. This title is in response to the book "Outwitting Squirrels" by Bill Adler, Jr - who went on to write "Outwitting Critters." (Google these books for a review - both excellent resources for humans!)

Human rebuttal of this article appears on today's Grouse and Chortle!

©Deb Lambert 2008